And I'm definitely not tech illiterate; I know JavaScript, C++, Apex, CSS, etc but I still don't get them lol
that they do and how to use them in terms of a more well-known traditional language like one of the ones I mentioned.
Could someone explain
in terms of programming, they are basically just reusable functions that you can call from anywhere and which execute the assigned actions.
So a named trigger "open finder" could be called from a trackpad gesture, a keyboard shortcut and a mouse button. If you at some point decide you don't want to open finder but safari instead, you just need to update the actions assigned to that named trigger but won't need to modify the actual trackpad/keyboard/mouse triggers.
Off topic, more than a “Named Trigger” it is actually a “Named Package” (with one or more actions in it) to which you can assign any trigger. But this can probably be interpreted in different ways. 
This right here is why I had so much trouble grokking it, @Andreas_Hegenberg lol. No matter though, I think I’m on the right track now. Heading back over to the docs now. Thanks, guys.